Tag Archives: #loss

Grief….does it change you?

We all know I love IG…..IG stories to be exact….and lately I have been loving the Questions option where you can have your followers ask you a question. I always find this intriguing because I get to see what things my followers find interesting about me and want to know more about. Recently I had a newer follower ask me how grief has changed me. In a conversation back and forth with her I realized she had recently lost her father and was just starting to resurface when it came to her normal activities, something I could 100% relate to. Since it has been awhile since I have talked about grief on here, I figured it was a great time to not only address her question, but to share that answer with those of you who are reading who are also going through some more challenging times.

Grief is a topic I discuss a lot, and for some I think that makes them uncomfortable. What I cannot stress enough is that why you may be sick of me talking about my grief journey, I am sick of my dad being dead. Seriously. I would give anything to NOT have experience on this topic and NOT have anything to write about regarding it.

November will be three years since we lost my dad unexpectedly, and for me, talking about how grief has impacted my life not only helps me keep him alive in some way, but it also helps me help those of you who feel lost and unsure about the feelings and things that you may be experiencing after a traumatic loss. It is my way of dealing with the grief I feel every day. As I have shared before, grief is something that everyone deals with differently. No two people are the same. All I can hope for is that something I say….even the smallest thing…..can help someone in a small way. I’d love to say that my dad’s death has not changed me, but the truth it, is has.

Screen Shot 2018-08-05 at 7.59.45 PM.png

Change #1: I now struggle being in large crowds.

For some people, this may be very menial, but as a former social butterfly, this has been a difficult change for me and one some have struggled to understand. I have learned that it isn’t so much the people in the crowded areas that bother me, but rather the fact that I worry about being able to leave quickly if I am overcome with emotion. I’m not someone who likes to make a scene (emotionally), so to cry or get uncomfortable in front of large groups of people gives me a sense of panic. Grief is one of those things where something incredibly small can set you off…..for me, it is often a song, a number, a date…..but it could be honestly anything that reminds me of a memory, and there is no saying when something will hit me in a more emotional way. Because of this I often like to drive separate so I have an escape, and usually I try my best to avoid those kinds of plans if at all possible……after all, I do love staying at home with dogs.

Change #2: I am more focused on being a better daughter and friend. 

I have always valued my loved ones and the time I have spent with them more than anything, but ever since losing my dad so abruptly I have been more focused on spending more time with those I love and making more memories, whether it be taking pictures, going places together, talking on the phone more….whatever I can do to be there for those in my life. I’d give anything to have been able to spend more time with my dad…to have gone home more to visit…to have more family dinners together…to go on more runs together….all the little things I miss so much. I want to make sure those in my life get as much time as humanly possible because we never known when that time will be cut short.

Change #3: I have realized the importance of letting go of the bad apples. 

They always say that the best times and the worst times in life show you who your real friends are. That’s one saying that is 100% spot on. To be honest, the majority of people in my life have shown me that they were even more incredible than I already believed them to be. I’m not just talking about when things happened with my dad that awful November day, but ever since. Grief is a nasty journey, and having someone just let you know they are thinking of you on hard days or be understanding when you can’t do something because you are having a panic attack over it or just listen to you talk means so much. I have had a few people who I believed to be extremely close to me treat me like complete garbage since the loss of my dad. At first, it hurt me, especially when I would look at the length of the friendship.  Then I realized that life is too short to spend time with people who are lackluster. Why give up my precious time that could be spent with those who truly DO care about me? #Byefelicias

Change #4: I have realized that I have to find something positive out of the loss of my dad. 

I will never ever be one of those people who says “Everything happens for a reason,” and if you say that to me, I’d take two steps back if I were you because you may be at the receiving end of a pretty aggressive bitchslap, and trust me when I say I pack some power. Things don’t happen for a reason. They happen to us, and we have to choose how we are going to react. I have always remained firm in the thought process that I have to use this loss to move me forward, not back. Unfortunately, being one of the first in my group of friends to lose a parent as an adult, I was in pretty unchartered waters. One of my high school friends, Crystal, had lost her dad several years prior and helped me a great deal, but other than that I didn’t have much to go by. Was what I feeling normal? Should I do this or that? Where can I go for support? I had so many questions. Unfortunately, two of my closest friends each lost their father in the past few months. Both had been dealing with difficult illnesses, and it was so hard to watch them begin the grieving process. If anything, the loss of my dad gave me some tools and experience to hopefully provide them some comfort and help them with their grieving process. It sucks knowing that at some point in your friendship, all of your friends will go through this. It may sound morbid, but it is true.

Change #5: I take bigger risks. 

I’ve always been one to dream big and set crazy goals for myself. It wasn’t until losing my dad that I realized how important it was to go after the things I always talked about. We only have a limited amount of time on this planet. I’m going to do everything in my power to live the fullest life I possibly can and check things off my bucket list, one by one. I’m more driven than I have ever been. I’m more focused than I have ever been. I think most of this stems from me knowing that my dad is watching my every move, and I want to make him proud.

I truly believe that as people we have to be willing to grow every day. One of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis, couldn’t have said it better. She said: “Is life happening TO you or is life happening FOR you?” Often bad things happen to us and we wallow in sadness and say we can’t do more/ be more/ try more because we are victims. Why? ALL of us have bad shit that has happened in our lives. We all have our own story, and we all have the CHOICE to move forward and not backward. Sharing about my grief moves me forward.

I’ll be dealing with this loss for the rest of my life. Don’t sit there and try to tell me it get easier. It doesn’t, and if someone tells you it does, they are a liar. You learn over time ways to try to cope…..but that pain and sadness becomes a part of your heart until the day it stops beating. I’m still living my best life. I still have fun and laugh and do all the things I did before this happened to me. I’m just now living with more zest and passion because I know at any moment it could be gone, just like it was for my dad.

For those who have been my rock since November 20, 2015, please know how much I love and appreciate you. Your kindness means the world to me.

For those who have shown me their true colors, thank you for allowing me to see them so I can make more time in my life for those who truly care about me.

For those new to this grief stuff, please know you are not alone, and it is OKAY to share how you feel and how things have changed for you. “Those who matter will not mind, and those who mind, do not matter” -Dr. Seuss

And for all those who have a pulse, never, ever judge. You never know what hardships others may be facing behind closed doors. Smile at strangers more, give more hugs, and spread kindness around like confetti.

Advertisements
Tagged , , ,

One year later……

You remember that Alan Jackson song “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning”? I remember hearing it when it first was released and thinking how true it was for so many people who were directly impacted by the events of 9/11….people whose lives changed in the blink of the eye. People who woke up that morning thinking it was going to be just like any other day only to go to bed a completely changed human being. I remember being so sad for our country and all of these families even though I had no idea who any of them were, but deep down I didn’t really connect to that song because my life….my world….did not stop turning that day. I didn’t understand that in one small blink of an eye everything you know could be no more.

And then one day MY WORLD stopped turning. The truth is….at some point in our lives something WILL happen to completely change the trajectory of your life. You know when my world stopped turning?

525,600 minutes ago.

One year ago today.

One year that feels like a trillion billion years ago while also feeling like it was just yesterday. Isn’t time weird?

I can tell you every.single.detail about November 20, 2015…..what I ate for breakfast, what workout I did that day, what I was wearing, where I was sitting when I found out that my dad had passed away, every single word Kyle said when he told me what had happened……everything.  I relive a part of it every single day, and I really wish I didn’t. To be honest, I probably can’t tell you every single detail of any other day in my life other than that one.

In my heart it is still so difficult to accept that I haven’t seen my dad or talked to him in a year. Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know that I’ve been very open about my struggles with grief over this past year, and I have talked a little about it here, too. It is hard to be vulnerable and share this kind of thing, but I truly believe it is important because so many people struggle with the same thing, and I hope (if nothing else) that I can connect with others struggling and we can help each other through difficult times. Ive had people send me nasty grams about it and tell me it is inappropriate to talk about, and Ive had people throw some serious shade at me. It’s strange how uncomfortable grief makes some people.

This past year has included some pretty incredible things that have brought about so many mixed emotions. It was hard buying our first home together and realizing my dad would never be able to chase Bubba around in the yard…..it was hard taking family photos at my brother’s wedding and knowing someone really important wasn’t in them….it was hard watching the Cubbies win the World Series….and it was really, really hard celebrating the holidays and birthdays that usually were so much fun. Everyone said the first year would be difficult because of all of the “firsts” without my dad, and they weren’t exaggerating one bit. I cannot even put into words how much my dad is missed, and today, on the first anniversary of losing him, I’m missing him more than ever.

An unfortunate thing that has happened over the last year is that many of my friends have had to go through the same thing, losing either their father or mother. Recently a girl I had connected with through Facebook messaged me. She had just lost her dad in a terrible accident, was still in the very early stages of grief, and asked what she should expect. I wanted to share my thoughts on this with the hope that if you are going through something similar you realize you aren’t alone.

1. Everything will remind you of that person. When I say everything, I mean everything. In the very beginning of this process I had a very difficult time getting rid of things that reminded me of my dad….and with moving, this proved to be a challenge. Things he gave me, things he wrote to me, momentos of places we had been, etc. I struggled with songs on the radio because I would connect them to my dad. I didn’t want to eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream because it was his favorite. This process has truly shown me that moments matter, not things, and I don’t need to keep junk around to keep the memory of someone alive. Don’t hoard items just because.  They are just things.

2. There are days you can talk about the person normally. There are days you will start to cry at the most inopportune time. With me, I am a loose cannon. I never know when I will be able to talk about my dad or the loss in a calm matter or if I am going to start crying and getting weird. I do my best to try to talk about it as much as possible to get more comfortable with it, but sometimes I wonder if I ever will be 100% able to communicate about it normally. It’s ok to be emotional…..and if you are worried about it, just change the subject. I do it all the time, and no one has gotten angry about it yet.

3. Things you loved before may not be the same after a loss. This has been so difficult for me. My dad and I loved running….talking about it, running together, talking smack on the other’s running pace. It ALWAYS was a part of a conversation. After we lost him I really hoped that running would be therapeutic for me and help me still feel a sense of connection to my dad. It did just the opposite. I started to hate it because every time I would run I would get upset and cry. In April I ran the HOF Half Marathon and cried the entire 13.1 miles, so besides being tiring on a physical level, it was beyond exhausting emotionally. Since that race I have run only a handful of times and dropped out of the Columbus full marathon, a race my dad and I had previously discussed running together. I hope someday I will love it again, but I have accepted that it may not be the way it once was. Find something positive to substitute into the place of whatever the activity is that you are struggling with.

4. You can’t hide from holidays and birthdays. They aren’t going to be the same….nothing will….but they are still going to happen. It is important to find new ways to celebrate and incorporate the memory of your loved one. Last year we had Chinese for Thanksgiving and we didn’t decorate one bit for Christmas. I refused to buy Christmas wrapping paper for gifts (I still am this year, too). For my dad’s birthday we made one of his favorite meals and favorite kind of cake. We are trying. Sometimes that is all you can do. You can’t avoid these things so find a way to incorporate your loved one in a new way

5. It is important to talk about your loved one. Every day I talk about my dad. I will think of a funny memory or think of how my dad would react to sometimes ridiculous (I had lots of comments of things he would say during the election), and it helps. It helps to keep his memory and sense of humor and ridiculousness alive. Just because a person has left you in the physical sense does not mean they have left your memory. Keep them alive in your daily life.

6. React to the loss in a way that helps you, not harms you. I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to do things that would inevitably hurt me. There have been days that I wanted to go get blackout drunk, which would’ve been my solution years ago, but I didnt. There were days I wanted to eat my feelings……ok, more like weeks I wanted to eat my feelings, but I didnt. There were days I wanted to be extremely negative and lash out, but I didnt. I always think of the quote about how life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how I react to it…..what good would any of that do? Nothing. I’ve been very proactive in seeking help and doing things that will help me move forward in the grief process, not back. In the beginning I saw a grief counselor; recently I connected with a local group through GriefShare. I’ve read lots of articles and books on grief. Those kinds of resources have helped me a lot, especially with realizing that many of the feelings I have had are normal. I think all too often with grief you think that feelings and thoughts you have are abnormal…trust me when I say they aren’t. Speaking to people and groups have taught me this. Don’t run away from grief because sooner or later you will have to work past what has happened.

7. You learn that support can come from people who you least expect it.I will forever feel like I have the most amazing group from family and friends….my friends have all been there by my side from the beginning of this and have continued to support me. I knew they would be there for me in the beginning weeks and months….that is when it is the hardest, but the fact that they are still helping me through this a year later means the world to me. Friends from high school who I had lost touch with did not hesitate to reach out…random connections on Facebook, too. Since losing my dad I realized that I want to make sure that I can help those who go through rough times, too….even if they are people I have lost touch with over the years. You never know who you can help, and if anything positive is going to come from this, I want it to be that I can help others find strength and hope for the future.

8. The one thing that irritates me more than ANYTHING and the one phrase I have removed from my vocabulary is: “You’re doing really well!” I know that sometimes you might not know what to say to someone who is grieving…I’ve been guilty of saying some really dumb things in my day….but please, don’t ever say this comment to anyone. Most days I do really well, especially in public, but every day at some point I do break down. You arent sitting by me when I’m at home crying or laying next to me when I’m crying as I try to fall asleep. I may be doing “really well” in your eyes, but I’m not doing “really well”. I’ll never do “really well” because I’m always going to be without this person who was so important to me. There was a quote I once read from Richard Gere of all people. He said that loss is very much like dealing with a broken ankle. On the surface things seem to heal in time, but they will never be the way they once were.  The pain is still there, some days more than others. In time you learn to adapt to living differently. It is so true.

9. Don’t feel guilty if you are having fun or enjoying something. I struggled with this a lot the first few months after losing my dad. I felt bad if I laughed or did something normal. I didnt feel like it was right to engage in fun things when something was missing. After talking to people, I’ve learned that is very normal to feel that way, so if you are feeling that way, too, you aren’t alone.

10. You will be a changed person. I can’t tell you how much I changed over this past year because of this happening to our family. Losing a loved one changes how you see and do so many things. My family has always been so important to me, and I think that has strengthened the most over this time frame. I’ve learned more about my limits…that it is ok to take a step back if I feel myself getting weird or sad. I’ve learned a lot about my strength…and that it is ok to reach out for help, something I haven’t always been the best at doing. I’ve learned I’m a lot tougher than I ever thought I could be. Most importantly, I’ve learned how important it is to always leave your loved ones with loving words. I’m thankful the last words my dad and I exchanged were “I love you.”

Life is just too too short to focus on negativity. My heart has broken over the past few weeks after seeing so much garbage in my newsfeed after the election….so many families divided or not speaking to each other…..kids publicly saying they don’t want anything to do with a parent because of how they voted. I wish so badly my dad was still here with us and can assure you that you someday you will be in the same place I am in now….that’s just the order of life. Please don’t waste any moment by being stubborn or nasty…..someday you will be willing to do anything to get those moments back. Trust me.

Thank you again to everyone who continues to be a beacon of strength for not only me, but my mom and brother. We all appreciate it so much more than we could ever say and are forever grateful.

Missing you so much, Papa ❤

img_3201

My dad and my little Simon

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Rant of the Week: Not my problem.

There are some things in my life that I will always, always do.

I will always shower and wear deodorant.
I will always talk in a baby voice when I see a puppy.
I will always turn the radio off in the car when I get lost.

And I will always, always, ALWAYS talk about my dad.

A few weeks ago I had an acquaintance on Facebook private message me about the loss of my father. Initially I thought she was coming from a kind place , but I quickly realized that the message she sent was more about HER than about me or any pain I was going through. In her words, me talking about the loss of my father and my grief made her uncomfortable, and she felt that discussing things like that on a social platform was not appropriate. She encouraged me to keep my feelings to myself.

I can honestly say that when I feel attacked I am an extremely defensive person, and those who know me in real life know that I welcome any confrontation, so upon reading this message my instinct was to verbally annihilate this individual. I mean…..who does this person think she is to tell me how to handle MY grief. Thankfully, some part of me said to hold off on a response until I felt I could respond rationally and not based off of emotion. Way to go, Katie. You are growing up.

I’ve thought a lot about that message since, and I’ve come to a few realizations that I felt I needed to share.

Grief is a personal thing. I know that prior to the loss of my dad I didn’t really understand grief. Yes, I had lost people in my life, but never had I suffered a loss like I did in November. I don’t think I ever truly realized how sensitive a death in the family was or how different it is to each person. How I handle grief may be different than how you handle it. That doesn’t make it wrong or weird….it means I am handling it in a personal way that is best for ME. There isn’t a manual on how to handle these kinds of things, even though sometimes I wish one existed, and it is extremely unfair to think grief should be approached in one cookie cutter way.

Since losing my dad I have unfortunately learned a lot of hard lessons. I’ve learned that some people who I thought I could count on to help me through the dark times weren’t really the friends I thought they were. I’ve learned that people who I never thought would be there for me would show up and be more present in my life than individuals who I thought I could always count on.  I’ve learned that strength comes from the strangest places. I’ve learned that it is okay to ask for support….for hugs…for a shoulder to cry on. And I’ve learned that we all have to find our own way to becoming right in the head after a tremendous loss.

You know how I handle my grief? By talking about my dad. I talk about him every single day because I miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY. Is my intention to make you uncomfortable? Absolutely not. My intention is to make myself feel better and to never let the memory of the greatest man I have ever known die. He may not physically be here with me, but that doesn’t mean that 34 years of memories died with him November 20th. He will always be a part of my life, and I love sharing that with other people, especially those of you who know me and love me and never had the opportunity to meet him. So much of who I am is a reflection of my dad….how could you not want to know about someone who helped shaped me into the person I am today?

If that makes someone uncomfortable, I don’t really think I am the problem….I think the problem is something a little deeper within yourself. Maybe read some personal development? Maybe do a little soul searching? Or go talk to someone about WHY a person who is grieving is making you feel the way you do? But I hardly think that me talking about how I emotionally can’t handle running a race that my father and I did for years is the catalyst for your feelings of discomfort. Something else is going on there, and since I’m not a shrink, I’m not even going to pretend to know what that may be. But I do know one thing….it’s not my problem.

A huge part of my life falls in the public realm, which I believe many think should mean editing what I share and what I keep private. I don’t care if me talking about my sadness or struggles with this chapter in my life make me seem like a weaker human being. I’m a real person going through a really difficult time, and that is my reality. I’m not going to sit around projecting some image of perfection. I’m going to share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly. You never know….the ugly times I am going through could help someone else with their struggles….or give them a person/resource to come to when the time comes that their life isn’t as sunny.

So……I’m going to keep doing my thing….which means finding ways to accept that my life is different and finding ways to keep my dad’s memory alive in my soul. If that makes you uncomfortable, then I definitely encourage you to take a step back and think about what really is the driving force of that emotion.

Remember….everyone is fighting their own battle. You may not be right now, but someday you will be. And trust me, you won’t want anyone telling you how you should be handling your grief then either.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

The firing of the Fitbit

I wanted to address something that I have been asked about a million times over the past couple of months.

Where in the world is my beloved Fitbit?

Because I am a health and wellness coach and help people every day work toward their goals, I’m not surprised why I get asked about it. So many of my clients are looking for tools and resources to help them stay on track with their goals, so it is only logical that they ask about a product that is known for assisting with this.

For 11 months I rocked a Fitbit Flex and was so obsessed with it that I had purchased a ton of extra bands so it would always match my outfit (yes, I am serious). I did not go a day without my trusty little step counter. I sang it praises for its accuracy and ability to make sure I always hit my daily step goals….I constantly would check my app and challenge myself if I was behind for the day! Of course I shared my Fitbit love on my Facebook page, so everyone knew that I was captain of #teamfitbit.

Screen Shot 2016-04-12 at 10.22.03 PM
And then one day I completely got rid of it.

Please do not think that the trashing of my Fitbit had anything to do with its quality. Many of you may be on the fence with buying one, and I don’t want you to think it is a bad product. Honestly, I think it is great, and I encourage anyone who has been considering getting one to buy the version they want. I loved the app that coincided with my Fitbit, and  the accountability it provided was great for anyone, regardless of their fitness level. It was exciting to me to get a step challenge from a fellow Fitbit friend and always motivated me when I was considering skipping a workout or a run.

I miss my Fitbit, but more importantly, I miss the person who gave me the reason to stop wearing it.

My dad.

Those of you who knew my dad knew how physically fit he was. When he got a Fitbit I knew I would be in big trouble. Not only did he run daily, but he took Henry on about four walks a day….long walks. His step count was crazy! Some morning I would wake up at my typical 11am wake up time and see that he was already 15,000 steps in. I, of course, am very active, too, but I never could come close to beating his steps. Our competitive spirit had us always trash talking the other one over their step count and making it a healthy competition, one that my husband, Kyle, eventually joined in on. In fact, the last message I had received from my dad before he died was about steps on the Fitbit.

The day my dad died I knew I would never ever be able to wear that thing again. Not because I didn’t love it or its purpose, but because I couldn’t emotionally handle going into my Fitbit dashboard, looking at my friends list, and seeing my dad at zero steps when he averaged 24,000 a day. I just knew it would break my heart even more every single day.

So I fired my Fitbit and replaced it with my Apple Watch.

If you have been thinking about an Apple Watch, let me tell you….it is an awesome device. Of course, there are so many more features than the Fitbit Flex I had, so I use it in many ways that differ from the Flex. Fitbit now has so many models that you can find one that offers more of an Apple Watch look/feel if that is what you are after.

Grieving is a weird thing, and sometimes you just have to make small decisions that don’t set you back.

I’ve mentioned this before, but it is worth repeating…..that quote that says life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it…..it’s so true.

Every day I make small steps to living a more positive life. Every day I work really hard to live a life that my dad would be proud of. Every day I remind myself that even though it absolutely sucks monkey balls that this happened to my family….I have the power to determine how I bounce back from it. I’m reacting to life the best way I possibly can.

Sometimes that includes getting rid of a piece of rubber that vibrates when you hit your steps.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Medium. It’s not just an option for cooking steak.

For the last month I have been patiently waiting for today to arrive. Those who know me know that patience is a virtue I definitely missed, so the wait was difficult to say the least.

Today was the day that my mother, aunt, and I would visit a local medium and have individual sessions with her.

Now before you dismiss this topic, let me be the first to tell you that I went into today with A LOT of trepidation, nerves, and skepticism. I have watched shows like The Long Island Medium before and while I loved watching them, deep down I always wondered how real they were. I mean seriously…can you talk to someone who has crossed over? I was anxious to find out.

I have been very open about my struggles with grief since I lost my father three months ago. I’ve gotten criticism from some saying I should keep my grief to myself since it is a private thing, but I refuse. The loss of my dad is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and talking about it not only helps me, but I like to think it may help others who are struggling with grief, too. The thing about grief that no one tells you is that it is different for everyone. Some may accept their loss quickly, while others, like myself, struggle with it every day.

I’ve been approaching grief in what I like to think is a very proactive manner. I’ve been reading a lot of books, running for my dad, and becoming a part of organizations like The Dinner Party. I also took the advice of a grief counselor and got a seasonal job working a few hours a week styling brides at a local bridal salon. It’s been a true blessing being able to run my own business from home, however, I needed something to get me into a routine that FORCED me to stick to a schedule, shower, and get dressed up, so doing something temporarily was a nice change of pace. Honestly, these things have helped me so much. I tell myself everyday that I will not let my father’s death destroy me, but instead, it will help define me. I’m doing the best I can, and right now, that’s good enough for me.

The day after my father passed away I felt compelled to sign up for Teresa Caputo’s wait list. I figured if I would give a medium a shot, it would be her, but I wasn’t too excited about the five year long wait list. Oy vey.

My mother found a medium not far from us that she had heard about from individuals who had previously seen her and suggested we go. Like me, my mom was a little skeptical about the whole thing, but was openminded to the idea. In our minds, if this woman could give us a little bit of comfort, it would be worth it.

So I did all of the things you do when you go to a medium. I wrote a letter with questions for my dad and also for my aunt, who had passed early in 2014. I talked to them both out loud like I do daily and begged for them to come. I knew from trolling the internet that there was no guarantee anyone would come, and I knew it was a possibility that others could try to communicate with me, too.

As I drove to meet my mom and aunt today I had a million expectations while having absolutely none at the same time; it really is difficult to describe….hoping for so much but expecting so little. I was just very…..hopeful. When I told those close to me that I was going to speak to a medium, most people asked me the same question: “What do you hope to get out of it?” My answer was simple. I just wanted to know that my dad was with me. I would find a lot of peace and comfort knowing that.

When I met up with my family my mother was already meeting with Kathleen, the medium, for her reading, so I waited in the car with my aunt. We had opted for individual readings instead of a group one since we had a variety of people we were hoping would come through for us. After her half hour was up, my mother emerged and told me I was next. I had no clue how her reading had gone and was overwhelmed with nerves. Kathleen had me sit down in her meeting me and immediately told me that my father had come through for my mother, and that he was sitting next to me and was there for me, too. At this point I was still riding the skeptical train pretty hard, but just her mentioning that brought me to tears….mostly because I thought I’d flip out big time if she was messing with my head.

Within minutes the information Kathleen was telling me that my dad was saying made me a believer. There was no way some of the information she told me anyone could have known. In fact, one of the things was regarding our house hunt and the fact that we had made steps this morning toward that….which was true. We had emailed our realtor to submit an offer early this morning, so early that I hadn’t even told my mother or anyone yet. After about 10 minutes sharing with me things my dad had to say, Kathleen let me know that two others were with me in the room, the first being a woman, and the second, a young man. Based on what she had shared with me, the woman was quickly identified as my aunt and, similar to what my dad had shared, my aunt communicated with me topics that this woman could have no idea about. It was comforting and made me feel a sense of relief.

Kathleen then told me that the young man who was there to speak to me had died as a result of a car accident. If you remember from some of my previous entries, my good friend Andy had been in a horrible accident in December of 2012, an accident that had left him hospitalized until he passed away August of 2014. I had a difficult time with his death and had tried to do everything I could during his hospitalization to help him and let him know how much I cared about him. My visits to him always left me frustrated, as I did not know if he knew it was me or if I was even there. Due to the injuries sustained in the accident, he did not communicate other than blinking and was not able to move, and I always hoped that he knew how much he was loved, especially during that time. Kathleen gave me validation that he knew who I was and what all had happened during the time in the hospital, as well as some additional information that, again, were topics that weren’t common knowledge.

As we were wrapping up the session, Kathleen brought up my business, as she had earlier in the reading, only this time she told me that my dad was using the word “exponentially” when describing what we were discussing. This word is not one commonly used by anyone….that is, anyone but me. I use this word probably a little too much, and my dad would always make fun of me for it. It was the final piece of validation I needed to know that what I had just experienced was real.

After my session ended, I was able to talk to my mother about hers. The great thing about Kathleen Moore is that she lets you record the whole reading, so I was able to let my mom listen to parts of mine as my aunt was inside having her reading done. Once we were done, the three of us grabbed lunch nearby and shared what she had told all of us. The medium had told my mom and aunt things that there was no way she could know, much like she did for me.

Am I now a believer in mediums? Yes, yes I am.

I do think there are probably a lot of wannabe mediums out there, but after talking with Kathleen, I 100% think she is legit. Talking with her gave me some much needed peace and comfort, which makes the whole experience worth it.

Do you have to believe in mediums? Not at all. In fact, you could think what I did today was downright silly and ridiculous, and that’s ok. There was a time I thought it was rather dumb myself. My biggest piece of advice that I can give anyone who is going through the seasons of grief like I am is to find peace and comfort in whatever way helps YOU. We are all different. We all need different things to make us feel better and stronger.

Will I still miss my dad and cry about him? Absolutely. Every day for the rest of my life. I find a lot of happiness knowing he is around me and is still a part of my life in some way. It took a medium to help me realize that, and to me that is something I will never forget.

I miss you, dad……exponentially.

Screen Shot 2016-02-25 at 7.55.55 PM

Teary eyed but happy after an amazing experience.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements