“You need to come with an instruction manual.”
I hate instruction manuals. In fact, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really ever read them. Correction….I never do. I once tried to assemble an entertainment unit that ended up taking me over four hours because I was too stubborn to go through the picture instructions (Those who also have been part of any move of mine in the last ten years knows this entertainment stand was BUILT TO LAST and definitely lived a long and happy life…who needs instructions??? Not me!)
It is no surprise that when my friend Mike made the above statement earlier today, it did not go over well with me initially. First I was confused as to why someone who has known me for over ten years felt an instruction manual was needed. Then I was just annoyed with the fact that anyone would think I am complicated enough to require a manual. I know Mike could tell I was annoyed, but his response was just “You’re an enigma….you just confuse people.” I’ve heard this before…in fact, my boss says it to me quite regularly. It did, however get me thinking. If I were to come with an instruction manual, what would it say?
I present to you my best attempt at an instruction manual:
1. I use the term “Kate-tastic” often, which should be clear to you based on the name of this blog. I don’t feel like any one adjective describes me, so I made up my own. I also have my own vocabulary with many pop culture references that often confuse people. My advice: if you don’t know what “Travis the Chimping” means, just ask. My vernacular is fun…Im sorry/Not sorry if you don’t agree.
2. I really am like an oversized kid. I can be bribed with ice cream, glitter, pug puppies, trips to water parks, or tie-dyed anything. If you give me the smallest indication that I can play dress up, I’m doing it. When I’m sick, I hide medicine in pudding to trick myself into taking it. If I find a fake mustache, I’m wearing it. If someone farts, I’m laughing. Yes, I am ooze maturity.
3. If I’m not at work, I am wearing yoga pants, if anything. I don’t really like to wear pants. Ever. Yoga pants make me feel like I’m not wearing anything. I like how my butt looks in them, and they give me the flexibility to do lunges in a grocery store should I feel the need. You never know when the urge may hit.
4. Speaking of urges, I say “I’m going to pee” or “I just peed” probably a hundred times a day. I say this because something is extremely funny. I did not really just pee myself. If I make this statement, you know you are a funny soul, which is important to me.
5. I don’t get embarrassed. Perhaps this stems back to my kindergarten picture when I was sitting spread eagle in the first row and was ridiculed for it….or the time I tried to walk on my hands before picture day and ended up with a huge black eye/rug burn addition to my face (sorry, Mom)…..or the entire four years I spent being ridiculous at Thiel…or the time my pants fell down during a race last month when I wasn’t wearing underwear. Who knows. I will laugh at myself harder than anyone when I do something stupid.
6. You won’t offend me. I don’t care what name you call me or dig you try to make. I don’t care if you think I’m ugly, a bad cook, fat, a bad runner, whatever. It won’t bother me. The only time someone can offend me is when you say things about my loved ones, and then I will make you wish you hadn’t. You can have at it at me. I can assure you I won’t get upset.
7. If you upset me, just leave me alone for approximately ten minutes in silence. After that, I will be happy to talk, rectify the problem, and move on. I don’t have time for drama, and I don’t like negativity or weird fights ruining a beautiful day, so I like to resolve things quickly. You may think I don’t care based on a ho hum reaction, but I am cautious on how I proceed. However…….
8. There are times when I really do get angry. I feel it is imperative to state that while I am mellow yellow the majority of the time, when I get angry…. I get really angry. Imagine a baby kitten sleeping on a windowsill in the sunshine, then imagine a velociraptor that hasn’t eaten for days. There is no in between. If I get to the velociraptor point, you know things are serious and someone is about to be Travis the Chimped. Evacuate immediately….if you are a bystander, find ice cream to try to dissolve the situation.
9. I own a lot of shoes, sunglasses, infinity scarves, and bottles of nail polish. Don’t let those girlie things fool you though….I like shooting guns, watching football, eating bloody steaks, drinking beer, cussing, lifting weights, and WWE. Please don’t act surprised if I discuss any of the aforementioned things….or if I attempt to put you in a Figure 4.
10. I like to text. Talking on the phone….not so much. I blame ten years of working in Admissions making a mandated amount of 100+ calls a day for that. If I am quiet on the phone, it’s just because I don’t really like doing it. Just get textually active with me.
11. Contrary to belief, I’m not a fancy person, but I am quite simple. I don’t like fancy expensive restaurants. If my placemat has more than one fork on it, I’ve lost interest. If you have a valet, I’m not even coming in. Flowers are my favorite thing in the entire world. If you want to cheer me up or buy me a gift, that’s what to do. Honestly, I’d rather have simple things like daisies or sunflowers than fancy stuff. I’m simple, not complex. Yes, I’m being honest.
12. I march to the beat of my own drum. I love peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. Sometimes my playlists have weird Disney songs on them. I run races wearing ginormous sunglasses that probably shouldn’t be worn for a race. I buy clothing that sometimes makes my friends scratch their heads. I don’t do things that other people want me to do….I do things that I want to do.
13. I have the mindset of a 1950’s housewife….which gets me a lot of slack. Yes, I am fiercely independent. Yes, I believe that a female can do anything a man can. However, I do believe a woman should take care of the man in her life. I know many of my friends disagree with this statement, and many find it strange every time it comes up in conversation, but it is just my way of thinking, and I see nothing wrong with it. You don’t have to agree with me, but that’s okay….I’m not cooking you dinner or folding your laundry.
14. You will not, I repeat WILL NOT, coax me into ever being a Cleveland Browns fan. I’ve had many of you over the course of time that have tried (some very convincingly) to make this happen, but you all have failed. Much like your Browns did today when playing my Steelers.
15. I have some bad habits when it comes to my bathroom etiquette. I will leave globs of toothpaste in the sink, contacts floating in the toilet, lots of ridiculous products lying around the vanity, and I tend to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. No one can attest to this more than my dad.
16. I am All or None in every aspect of my life. If I am going to do something, I go balls to the wall. If I’m not interested, I’m not doing it. I just don’t like being in limbo or in between. This may not be the best way to view things, but it is just the way I am.
17. I am a broken individual, and regardless of where I am next week, next month, or next decade, parts of me will always be broken, and I’m okay with that. This has nothing to do with whether or not I am a happy person, because I am extremely happy with who I am and the life I live. As with anyone, I have been dealt some bad cards over the course of my days, and while I have gotten past them all, some things have done damage that have made me who I am today. I may be too honest, too blunt, too nervous, or too reserved, but I am assure you there is a reason why.
18. If you want me out of your life, there is one sure fire way to do it: Lie to me. I hate liars and have no place for them in my life.
19. You want to make me happy or cheer me up? Make me a grilled cheese.
20. This small preface to an instruction manual is a work in progress….just like myself.
For being a simple person who thought they didn’t need a manual, I guess I proved myself wrong, but I think I listed the twenty most important instructions in dealing with me. Oops, forgot one…..
21. Prepare to have movie quotes and strange music thrown at you constantly in my presence….it’s just who I am. I shall leave you with this for no other reason than the fact that I mentioned the word “enigma” in this entry.