It is no secret that I have a little problem with reality television…..and I am not proud of it. After a long day of working (and usually a quality run), I end up on the couch to relax. This is when I get sucked into the vortex of reality television. There once was a time where I would pick and choose what I wanted to watch…Survivor usually, but it evolved over time to include a variety of ridiculous shows. Keeping up with the Kardashians, Khloe & Lamar, Kourtney and Khloe take Miami, and Kourtney and Kim take New York can be included in this list. Somehow between watching people survive on a remote island and voting for contestants who don’t butcher Journey songs, I had become a Kartrashian junkie. I hate myself for admitting it to you all.
After devoting countless hours to watching people gain fame by pretty much doing nothing, I started to think about what I have gotten out of my relationship with this trashy family. Upon review it was evident….lessons had been learned. Many, many lessons.
LESSONS I HAVE LEARNED FROM THE KARDASHIANS
1. If you have a ton of money, hire a stylist. If you don’t, have friends. Why is this important? Someone needs to tell you when you are dressed like someone’s couch. Kim, I am talking to you during your entire pregnancy. If I ever wear clothes that are that hideous, I expect my friends to tell me. Being pregnant does not give you an excuse to look like hell. Friends, please don’t let me go out in public looking like this when I decide to spawn:
2. Red lipstick really is the cat’s meow. Thanks, Kourtney, for turning me onto Mac’s “So Chaud” red matte lipstick. It always looks great, and I love it. I wish everyone would embrace red lipstick.
3. Plastic Surgery doesn’t always work, so read the disclaimers and all of the waivers. If you don’t believe me, please call up Bruce Jenner.
4. If you ask for someone to refer to you as “Lord” and you aren’t in church, you probably should seek some form of professional treatment. If you feel like you need a parade in your honor or need a long velvet coat and your own butler, you should just commit yourself. Immediately.
5. When you are middle aged, you should act it. I am repulsed by Kris Jenner. Did she forget that she is in her 60’s? There comes a point in your life when you should not be trying to compete with girls in the 20’s….or shopping in the same stores…Kris, you need to take a lesson from my mother about how to be beautiful and elegant.
6. Don’t spend millions of dollars on a sham wedding. I think so many people just want to show off for others when it comes to their weddings. Kim and Kris’ wedding is a perfect example.
7. The camera adds ten pounds, but so do excessive cheeseburgers and garbage food. If you want to complain about how much you weigh, do something about it. And by do something I mean work out, Rob, not eat more.
8. Think about how your child’s name will impact them down the road. North West? You guys are idiots. I really feel like celebrities are just trying to out-weird other celebrities with their names. Don’t worry. When I choose to spawn, I will not be naming my child after any direction, food, color, or location.
9. Love at first sight does exist. Khloe and Lamar got married after a month together, and they are still going strong. I think it is kind of romantic, actually….
10. If you make a sex tape, your mother shouldn’t leak it. That is just gross. I really can’t even elaborate on that. It repulses me almost as much as the fact that Kim gained fame by waxing Ray J’s pole.
11. If you want to model or create your own swimsuit line (or anything really), Photoshop is your best friend. I recently caught a special on “E” which discussed how all of the Kardashian ads and photos are severely photoshopped. This really fires me up. Be authentic, be proud. No wonder so many girls have eating disorders.
12. Some moments need to be kept private. For example, when giving birth, cameras shouldn’t be there to watch you pull your own baby from your uterus. That’s a bit much. So is sharing the fact that you need to wear adult diapers (Kris). if you missed what I am referring to with Kourtney, don’t worry…I’ve included a little clip here for your viewing pleasure.
13. If you are taking Viagra, keep it hidden so others can’t take it. I know I can’t be the only one bothered by the fact that Kris was slipping the magic blue pills into Bruce’s coffee, resulting in Rob drinking from the wrong cup and going to the emergency room.
14. Just because you are famous, doesn’t mean you should have a music video. That song “Jam” that Kim tried to make work was worse than one of my Chaka Khan renditions. (Trust me, it’s bad…really bad).
15. Be cool with who you are. I dislike Kim because I think she is a wannabe and tries to fit in. However, I love Khloe because she doesn’t care what other people say about her and is kind of the black sheep of the family. I like black sheep…maybe because I am a little bit of one, and I tend to think those of us who are a little different are the best kinds of people 🙂
I could go on and on, but I need to stop…..a rerun just came on…and it features my favorite pseudo-Kardashian, Brody Jenner…….
The biggest lesson learned: I need to kick this reality television habit.